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November Elections
To solve the political crisis our country is facing, I have decided to be the first golfer to announce my entry into the Presidential race. Since Ike did a pretty good job I think it is high time another golfer entered the race.
My platform: 1. As President/golfer I will handle all government required procedures in 4.5 hours or less. 2. TAX REFORM: I will give tax breaks to all golfers. 3. EDUCATION POLICY: The Golfing Machine will be required reading in all schools. 4. Air Force One will be replaced by a bullet-proof Club Car created by "Q" at MI6. 5. Whenever the President enters any vehicle it automatically becomes Golf Force One. 6. The White House will be renamed The Club House. 7. All Secret Service agents must have a 5.0 handicap index or lower. 8. All Marines must salute the President with a flat left wrist. 9 . Homer Kelley's birthday will be a national holiday. 10. TAX POLICY: Authorized Instructors don't pay taxes- EVER. 11. IMMIGRATION POLICY: All persons wishing to immigrate to the U.S. must be able to recite the 3 Imperatives and then take a 20 lesson series from a TGM instructor before gaining residency status. 12. G.S.E.D's (current or present) will be given Cabinet positions. 13. Golf will be the national sport, and all TGM Instructors will be given badges that permit speeding and will have government cars will bright yellow strobe flashers. These are the foundation points of my Presidential platform, if you have any other suggestions please notify me using this forum or send email to: wewantagolferforpresident@savetherepublic.com This message brought to you by The Foundation to Get a TGM'er in The White House. I am B.J. Hathaway and I endorse this message. |
Teed Off
Sounds good to me, B.J.. Sign me up!
I kinda like the ring of President Augusta Golf . . . Let's hear it! :thumleft: |
P.S. If you were at Cuscowilla you will be given a government job and a membership at Congressional....if you vote for me ;)
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14. HEALTHCARE POLICY: Since golf is played outdoors and is considered exercise, golfers will be given reduced health care insurance cards.
15. BANK REFORM: Banks must issue golfers with 0% interest loans and credit cards with presentation of Handicap Index Card. 16. FOREIGN POLICY: The U.N. will be disassembled and be replace by the UGN (United Golf Nations). Whoever wins the Ryder Cup basically gets to run the world for 2 years, provided they do not break the by-laws of the USGA or R&A. 17. All cities and towns with a population of 10,000 or more will be granted Federal funds to build a golf course with bent grass greens. 18. We will build de-salinization plants and/or steal water from Canada to make sure that the bent grass greens stay perfect. 19. All Presidential speeches will be carried on The Golf Channel. 20. Keri Murphy is my first pick for V.P. |
Holding Court
Where will you hold your outdoor press conferences? I suggest ditching the Rose Garden and addressing the world from the 18th green at -- where else? -- the Augusta National! And, in keeping with the world's new casual nature, still in your golf clothes. :golfer2:
You should even be given your own cottage there for use when you are 'in residence'. After all, Ike got his . . . why not you? :salut: |
Quote:
By the way, two changes regarding golf in the U.S. 1. Pants vs. shorts gives an instant distinction between pro and amateur golfer. 2. Beverage cart girls will be replaced with jolly old men in cardigans who carry a grand assortment of the finest cigars, cognac and single malt scotch and can tell grand tales. Speaking of which......cart girls will be sent one per hole to help look for lost golf balls. They will be hot and wear mini-skirts year round. If you have to lose a $4.00 Bridgestone you may as well get something out of it ;) |
And now to appointments:
Press Secretary: This will be held for Alex Chung and Burner as a joint position. My theory is if we have two guys that most of the world can't understand doing the talking then they won't ask so many questions! Secretary of State: Boo Weekley. He got it done at Ryder Cup, he won't talk too much at press conferences and he will do the job right and still have time for huntin & fishin. Foreign Affairs Secretary: Fred Couples. He's just smooth. White House (Club House)Food Procurement Director: You guessed it, Ted Fort. White House (Club House) Chief of Entertainment: Neil Kynaston Special Envoys to the UGN: Reeves Weedon/Ian Clark/Paul Smith/ and Paul Hart Governor of Kentucky: Kenny Perry, because he deserves it. Personal Assisants to the President: Paula Creamer, Natali Gulbis and a host of others which will be released later. |
Savings Bond
White House (Club House) Chief of Entertainment: Neil Kynaston ?
He looks and speaks like James Bond's (the current one) older brother. I think Secretary of Defense is more like it. Plus he knows his "single malts". Just ask Bill Castner. |
Got this in an email!
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: ----------------------- 1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). ------------------------ 2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' ------------------- 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. ----------------- 4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,then you're not ready to shoot grouse. ---------------------- 5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. ---------------------- 6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. -------------------- 7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. ------------------- 8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. ------------------- 9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. --------------------- 10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. --------------------- 11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). --------------------- 12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries. -------------------- 13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. ----------------- 14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). --------------- 15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. ------------------ God Save the Queen! PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)! :laughing9 |
My fellow Americans,
We fully welcome our long lost brothers from England to insert their cheeky comments on this thread; however, certain ground rules must apply. 1. All citizens of the wee island must vote and finally decide: do you live in England, Britain, or the United Kingdom? Once you get your answer please notify us at once. 2. We have already adopted the Imperial measurement system, and find all metrifications to be improper, imprudent, unreasonable and ungolf-like. 3. Since we have guns and you don't, we're keeping ours. We will however agree that any tie in future Ryder Cup matches will be settled by the dual. Since you don't have any guns, you are welcome to use a bobby stick. 4. As President I will allow the Monarchy to continue provided that you surrender all James Bond gadgetry to my office. Also, all future Bond films will feature Ian Woosnam as James Bond. Also, Mike Meyers will resume the role of Austin Powers and be your new Prime Minister. |
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